Never Lose Hope
by AJOregon
Summary: The anniversary of Camille Voights death and how it affects the team.
1. Chapter 1

_**Authors Note: So I debated addingn this to my story Saving Hank but I have decided to have it as its own tale. I lost a classmate this week to cancer and the story has written itself. My friend was a 911 dispatcher so I am basing my image of Camille on her and what bits we have gotten from the show. I know characters are not quite the same as the show but grief has a way of changing People. Please review. I will probably continue this story but not sure if I have a set direction. **_

"Where is Voight?" Adam Ruzeck asked Antonio Dawson a couple hours after arriving to the unit and not receiving a new briefing on a case.

"Yeah...Erin is gone too...are they on some case we don't know about yet?" Kevin Atwater asked.

Antonio looked at Al before answering, "just get caught up on you paperwork and don't worry about it.

"what do you know that we don't?" Adam asked Al when he caught the head nod between the seasoned two.

"Just shut up and get to work." Al Olinsky growled effectively ending their conversation.

Jay was sitting back at his desk alternating between checking his phone and looking across the aisle at Erin's empty desk. He knew that she had gone to see Voight and to visit Camille's grave. It was the anniversary of her death. It was hard for Jay not to imagine what Hank was like as a family man before he lost his wife to cancer, what Erin was like as a child, what they were like as a family before Camille moved onto Heaven. He knew that later she would break down with him at her apartment when he brought her pizza and beers knowing that she had to hold it together with him.

Jay and Al shared a look and a sad smile, an unspoken agreement between the two of them not to speak of what they knew to the newbies until either Hank or Erin said something themselves. Their morning off was between the two of them.

Erin walked up to the gravestone to find Hank on his knees with his head in his hands. She stopped behind him and grabbed his shoulders and held him tight. He slowly rocked back on his heals and leaned into her, he knew she would be the only one there that day, Justin was away serving his commitment to the Army. This year it was just the two of them.

"Thank you for taking me in, not as your husbands CI but as your daughter. You were my Mother. You taught me what love was... you gave me a family." Erin whispered, only just loud enough for Hank to hear her. She said the same thing every year. She knew that Hank had gotten there at four fifty two in the morning and stayed there until she came at ten to thank her and to make him get out of the cold.

Hank slowly stood up and Erin wrapped her arms around his waist; something she would never even think about doing at work. But here, in the cemetery, they were father and daughter. Here they were family. Here they could share their pain, share their tears. Here Hank was able to show what he hid the other 364 days of the year.

"You ready?" Erin asked him. He shook his head and almost dropped back to his knees. Even all these years later it never got easier. "She loved you so much Dad...so much." She told him as she moved around so she was standing in front of him facing him and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"I couldn't do this without you." He whispered, sniffling in her ear as he put his face into her neck trying to compose himself. She hated seeing him like this, this anniversary aged him every year and she didn't know how much more he would be able to take before his pain overflowed. Losing Nick she had been worried would push him over but then he was able to stuff it all back in.

"You ready to go to work?" Erin asked him ten minutes later, pulling her arms from around his waist and taking his hand in hers. After he nodded she gave a sad smile, touched the top of her gravestone and led Hank to her waiting car.

They sat in the parking lot in silence for a few minutes, the only noise from the clicking of Erin typing on her phone- to Jay, Be up in a minute. "Don't hurt him Erin. You know that kid loves you." Voight smiled at his girl.

"We are just partners Hank...your orders remember?" Erin said sarcastly.

"He is going to bring your disgusting pizza and crappy beer over after shift and you will cry onto his shoulders."

"You spying on me now old man?" She said squeezing his hand.

"Just know you are a heartbreaker Kiddo." He told her as he climbed out of the car. He walked around to her as she climbed out of the car, draping his arm over her shoulder she wrapped her arm around his waist. "Thank you Erin."

"People here would be there too if you would just let them. Everyone loved Camille." Erin whispered dropping her arm as they walked through the door.

Hank walked up to Trudy Platt and got a giant stack of files from her. "You are later this year than you usually are." Erin's head snapped up at Hank as she saw tears filling his eyes. "I think about Camille often Hank, she was an amazing woman."

Erin put her arm back around Hanks waist before answering for him, "thanks. She was incredible. It is nice to know other people still think of her after all these years too." Hank reached his hand out and let it linger over Platt's before he grabbed it back and ran up the stairs.

Erin bolted up the stairs behind him and pushed her way through his office door after him and slammed the door shut her and closed the blinds. When she turned around she saw him sink down at his desk and he laid his head down with a thud. She knew he hated to be this way, especially at work, and to not have control.

She walked slowly around his desk and sat down on the edge. He leaned his head over so it was resting against her leg and she drew small circles on his shoulder. "It is different for you this year...that isn't a bad thing by the way."

"I lost my best friend Erin." He said so unccharicteristicly as he looked up at her with tears streaming down his face. She pushed him back in his chair and crawled onto his lap and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and let him bury his face in her hair. She held him as his body shook and he chpled on sobs.

Meanwhile in the bullpen the atmosphere went to ice as Erin slammed the door shut after Hank ran past...those who knew Hank knew immediately this year was different. This anniversary was harder than it had been since she first passed...and only Alvin knew them then.

"Uhh guys..." Adam started.

"Mind your own damn business." Al snapped. "Jay you better fucking be ready tonight. Dawson can you do something with these two." He said standing up and walking into Voights office.

Erin looked up as the door opened and quickly closed behind Al. She felt him freeze and hold his breath. "Oh man..." Al mumbled realizing just how much worse this year was. Even the night Canille took her last breath he wasn't like this. "Please don't shut us out anymore Buddy."

"I miss her so much it hurts." He cried as a fresh wave of grief washed over him again.

Al walked around the desk and knelt down putting his arm around both Hank and Erin and he bent his head down and kissed the top of Hanks head. "I miss her too. Every toy drive, every Holiday, every birthday...every time I see Justin...every time I see you... she was your wife Hank but we all loved her..

They sat there a while as all three of them cried. They all said silent prayers and they tried to reassure Hank that it was okay for him to grieve. As he gained his composure back Al moved so he was sitting on the edge of the desk and Erin sat up straighter but kept her arm around Hanks neck.

"Well today has been productive." Hank grumbled.

"I think it was the most productive in years old man." Erin said and Hank gave her his secret smile.

"I think we should cut out early and go get a drink." Al told Hank.

Hank in turn looked at Erin who had laid her head on his shoulder. Something she had not even done as a child. "You going to be okay tonight Kiddo?"

"As long as you don't shut Al out. I know it hurts Dad but it hurts us so much more to have you shut us out."

"You of all people know I am trying...it's all a bit much for a creature of habit."

"I love you Hank...you know that. Promise me you will call the if..."

"He will be okay tonight Er. You go take care of you...I am sure Jay is out there pacing by now. Go throw him a bone." Al told her.

"Thank you Erin. For everything these last few months...years really. I will call you when I get home tonight." Hank promised her with a kiss to the temple. Such uncharacteristic behavior from both of them today but it has definitely not been just any old day.

Erin was nervous about leaving her bubble in the office. She would know that Atwater and Ruzek would have a million questions she was not ready to answer. When she walked out Jay's head snapped up and Antonio grabbed her hand. He wrapped her in a hug and whispered, "why is it worse this year?"

she rested her head on his shoulder and whispered back, "Nick, Justin is gone, Jin. Its Hank. He will be fine tomorrow. Just get everyone out of here so Al can get him out without anymore questions." When she let go she walked straight over to her desk and grabbed her coat.

"We are out early. Be ready to work by eight." Antonio announced.

"Is anyone going to explain to us what everyone else already knows?" Atwater asked.

"Maybe next year when you grow up." Erin remarked, nodding her hear to Jay.

"I'm not arguing a reason to cut out early." Jay said shrugging on his hoodie and wrapping his arm around Erins shoulder kissing her softly on the head.

"I don't think Voight condones that sort of behavior Halstead." Antonio teased.

"Today is different." Erin said sadly leaning into Jay as he led her downstairs. Erin went over to Platt and gave her a hug, "Ignore Hank when Al brings him down. We are all cutting out early."

"Jay you take care of our girl here. Camille was a great woman and made a huge difference in our department."

"You know I will." Jay said pulling her towards the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Al slowly opened the shades to Hank's office as he heard Adam and Kevin walking down the stairs. He had a feeling Antonio would still be sitting at his desk and he was right. "Just have the kid come with us." Hank told Al.

"You sure?"

"Have you ever heard me say anything I didn't mean?" Hank snapped back As he stood up from his desk. He took a quick look in the mirror and the reflection he saw was hardly recognizable. "You see what this shit is doing to my mug? Damn we are getting old Al." He rubbed his face in his hand one more time and walked out into the bullpen. "Let's go Kid I am buying tonight."

Antonio and Hank had not worked together long, just since he was put in charge of intelligence but he had watched him through the academy and heard about his work from a lot of his own CI's. The kid had earned his respect. Antonio had also known Camille and had actually worked with her quite a bit on all of her charity drives before she had gotten sick. They had never spoken about her but Hank knew he visited her grave on occasion. He had rigged up a security camera to snap a photo if anyone ever visitted.

Al drove them all to a little bar just outside of Chicago. They sat down at a table in the corner and less than ten minutes later burgers were placed in front of them alongside glasses of whiskey. They all are in silence and sipped on their drinks.

Once their plates were cleared and glasses refilled Antonio broke the silence. "Camille helped me to see the good in my job...working narcotics...taking away the kids from their parents...she helped me to see that I was giving the kids hope...I would have quit a long time ago if it hadn't been for her."

"I am glad her blabber mouth helped you...you are a good cop kid." Hank said with a sad smile. "God I miss the sound of her voice...it used to drive me crazy but now...I would give anything just to hear her scream at me for coming home too late or not fixing the washing machine."

"I didn't realize it until a couple months ago but all the stories she told were about Erin...after Jules...after she was killed I saw you hugging her and then...when we were up on the roof with Nick...your argument...it finally clicked. Camille always said that your daughter had saved you and I didn't know what she meant til today."

"Erin is a born fighter and her stubbornness clicked with me when she was a kid...when Cam finally agreed to let her move in...it was like the two of them had always been together. Bad part about it was they used to gang up on me...when she got sick Erin took over everything she had done at home, I didnt realize for months that she was even the one doing it...laundry, cooking, shopping, helping Justin with his homework...tucking him into bed at night, sitting up with me until the end...planning the funeral...making sure I kept eating after she passed...hell she used to come to the station to bring me food and force me to come home to sleep."

"She brought the best food too...mmmmm...you used to lock yourself into your office to try and shut her out and what was it...the second week she threw a rock through the window to let herself in."

"Haha yeah, it was hard explaining to the boss how an interior window got busted."

"Who was there for Erin after Camille died?" Antonio asked.

"She never really let anyone take care of her...I know she would cry some with Justin...and she would go to the cemetery and sit there for hours at night after he went to bed..."

"She never let anyone take care of her with all of it...she basically lost her mom..."

"The first year Jay was working with her...God how long ago was that? I saw her with him in the locker room not too long after she dragged your ass in from the cold. He was able to drag it out of her in under a minute...impressed the hell outta me." Al said.

"That was only a couple weeks after they started working together...she really let him in like that?" Hank questioned. "I didn't notice it til last year...I have been so blind to everything...all the shit Justin got away with...Erin really turns to Jay for everything doesnt she?"

"And he has never let her down...when Jules died I know Jay took her home and stayed with her...every time she called to check how I was they were always together...same thing with Jin..." Antonio told him.

"One of these days Hank they are going to get hitched..." Al smirked. "She won't do anything til you are good with it though."

"I knew he wanted in her pants and they make one hell of a team but how did I not see their connection they have?"

"Erin is always telling you that you are blind to anything happy..." Al mumbled.

"I've been blind to just about everything guys... I am sorry... Truly. This emotional crap...I have pushed everyone and everything away for so long...I feel like I am drowning."

"We will start a new case tomorrow and things will go back to normal again." Antonio assured him.

"You really should let Ruzek and Atwater in on what is going on though...they were pretty freaked out with everything. Adam was actually typing up his own reports!"

"Give me a night to sleep on it. I need to do it my way..." Hank said finishing the last of his drink and flopping down more than enough cash to cover their tab.

Jay drove Erin back to his place and they got their right as the pizza delivery guy was pulling up. "Perfect timing Halstead."

"What can I say, I take care of my girl." He said flashing his grin and wrapping his arm around her shoulders for a quick hug. "Go on up I will take care of this." He said handing her his keys.

She took them and went upstairs and let herself in. She saw a pair of old Army sweats and a Black Hawks TShirt folded neatly on the couch next to a stack of her favorite old movies and his guitar. She smiled, pulled the first season of MASH from the pile and grabbed the clothes and went into the bathroom to change.

The first episode of the show was playing the theme music as she came out of his bathroom wearing his clothes. He brought her a slice of pizza smothered in ranch and a cold bottle of beer.

They both settled into the couch in comfortable silence, he did not want to push her, as they finished their pizza. Shortly after starting the second episode she set her beer on the table and curled up with her head on his shoulder and her legs over his. He leaned his head against hers and wrapped his arm around her back squeezing her into him.

As the credits were playing she whispered, "He finally said he missed her...I mean...I knew he missed her...but today was the first time he said it out loud...he lost it...I have never seen him cry as hard as he did today...not even after Nick died...when I was staying with him...today I was scared for him."

Jay pulled her even closer to him, "Voight is so lucky to have you."

"I miss her so much Jay...especially since Bunnie decided to try to weasle her way back in...I was aways the one taking care of her and then when I went to live with them...Camille took care of me...she always made sure I had food on the table, she helped me with my homework, she didnt force me to talk about all the shitty stuff in my past...she always asked me how my day was, if there were any guys I was interested in...she tried to get me to invite friends over for dinner even...which I did twice...the second time is when they figured out where I actually came from...there were no photos of me growing up...kinda hard to pull off the whole Aunt Uncle Niece thing when they didnt even have a single picture of me in the house before I had started living there."

"When she died...what was it like?" Jay asked her.

"I had tucked Justin in bed and went back into their bedroom...Hank was sitting in a chair at the edge of their bed and was holding her hand...tears were sliding down his cheeks. I started counting her breaths...they were so shallow...she was basically just skin and bones by that point. I crawled into bed next to her and put my arm over her stomach...I started to sing one of her favorite songs...I thanked her for being my Mom...I remember praying that she wouldnt hurt anymore...that Hank and Justin would be okay...mostly I remember counting the seconds between her breaths...holding my own breath until she took another one...I am sure Hank was doing the same thing because when I got up to one hundred he fell from the chair to his knees... It was a few minutes before five...I jumped up and ran over to him and forced my way into his lap and he held onto me so tight I got bruises...I remember sobbing and holding onto him just as tight though. I was so scared that I wouldnt have a family anymore...I dont remember falling asleep with him holding me but I woke up two hours later in my bed. I looked into the hallway just as the mortuary was taking her body out. I went to check on Justin and helped him get ready for school and got him his breakfast and made him a lunch then I walked him to school. Then I went by my school and told them what happened and then went back to the house. Hank was in his office and was zipping her ring into a little blue bag. He never cried after that...never smiled either...not a smile that reached his eyes though. Camille and I had planned her funeral in advance and she had set up so my name was on her checking account so I just kept going grocery shopping, buying Justin what he needed...Hank hardly ever came home...I used to bring him food to the station...Al used to bring him home...when I graduated from high school I told Hank I was going to go into the accademy...it was the first time I had seen his real smile since she had gotten sick. The next fall he sent Justin off to boarding school...I think he was trying to help me by giving me more time...I was taking the acadamy classes and going to community college...it made it harder though...I had already lost my mom and then my brother got sent away...He called every Tuesday night...I know most of what he told me he had made up but I also knew he was getting decent grades even if he was going off to party every weekend."

"So it was just you and Hank?"

"I guess...I mean he would come long enough to shower...and to sleep...we didnt ever really talk..."

"So the whole cemetery anniversery thing...he goes there at the time she died and you go ther the time you got back from taking care of Justin...how did that start?"

"On the anniversary of her death I had a class in the morning...when I finished I went out there and found him. He wasnt crying...he was just sitting there...I sat down next to him and he pulled me onto his lap and held me...before I knew it we were standing up and he kissed my head and left to go to work...that is how it has been every year..."

"Until today."

"When I walked up I knew today was differnt...he wasnt sitting the same way...he was crying...I just wanted to hold him for once...and he let me..."

"I think you are the only thing in this world that wouldn't hurt him Erin...that wont force him...tomorrow...are we suppose to act like today never happened?"

"Probably...but I am going to bring in the photo I have of our family and put it right on my desk..."

"Do you think that is the best plan Er...really?"

"Yes. It has been too long and I want a picture of my family on my desk. If he doesn't like it...well he can deal with it." Erin said reaching forward and grabbing the remote to start the next episde of MASH.

They watched another two episodes before Erin felt her phone buzz in her pocket. _Home now. Dont break his heart. Breakfast before shift?_ She smiled, looked up at Jay who was dozing with his head on the back of the couch, his mouth partially open, _See you at 7. Call if you need me to come home._

She set an alarm on her phone for six and put it back in her pocket. She moved so she was more comfortable in the corner of the couch and pulled Jay down towards her. He opened his eyes and smiled a sleepy smile before he sat up, pulling her up with him and taking her back to his bedroom. He laid down on his side of the bed and she on hers, "What no scrabble?" Erin said with a smirk.

"I told you I am a perfect gentleman." He said scooting a little closer to her.

Erin rolled towards him and lay her head on his chest, "Thank you for being so perfect." She closed her eyes and snuggled into him.

"Do you need an alarm set so you aren't late in the morning?"

"You will wake me up when you leave to have breakfast." He whispered running his fingers through her hair.

"Goodnight Jay."

"Goodnight Erin."


	3. Chapter 3

She woke up Jay with a quick kiss before she ran out the door to meet Hank. She hoped one day waking up next to her partner would be an everyday occurrence. Today though...today she had to be ready. She rushed home and took a quick shower and grabbed the photo she had told Jay about and stuck it in her bag to bring to work.

When she got to Hank's he was just loading pancakes onto two plates and had two mugs of coffee sitting on the table waiting for her. "I am going to tell them...I might need your help. I want them to know who Camille was...why she was so important...not just to us but to Chicago."

"I was going to put our family photo on my desk...I don't think they know that you and Camille raised me..."

"Family meeting day at work then...guess it is time I learn about them and let them learn about me."

"Builds trust."

"Camille was always a big fan of family meetings...used to drive me nuts...we would have a meeting to talk about what baby food to give Justin...what gas station to fill up the car at...the only time I called a family meeting was when I told her I was going to have you move in with us."

"See there you go, family meetings are wonderful things." Erin said with a smirk.

"If only I had known then what a stubborn..."

"Hey now...you know you love me."

"I couldn't survive without you Kid..."

"Don't go getting all sappy on me now. Yesterday was too hard...I want today to be easier...to remember the good times we had Hank...because we had so many good times."

"You and Halstead have my permission to get married."

Erin's jaw dropped, to her that comment was completely out of left field. "We aren't even dating...remember no in house romances? Your dumb rule."

"You get married. You have my blessing...and the two of you have been a couple since the day you met...I was just too blind to see it until now."

"How bout you just left me be me and not worry about my love life."

"Ugh...love life...I don't even want to think about that..."

"Good." She smiled at him and decided to change the subject, "Is it okay if I have our picture on my desk?"

"Do you really need to ask me that?"

"God Hank do you even know how impossible you have been the last few years? Anytime anyone would even mention her you would get pissed and storm off to your office...so yeah...I need to ask if it is okay to bring a photo of us and have it sitting where you will see it every time you are in the pen."

"When I storm off to my office it is to look at the photos I keep in the box in my cabinet...I just cant...couldn't...think about her without..."

"Without freaking the fuck out." Erin finished for him.

"I was not going to use those exact words." He said taking a bit of pancake.

An hour later the two of them walked into the unit and Hank went into his office as usual and Erin sat down at her desk and set the photo up right next to her monitor so it was never out of view and could easily been seen from just about everywhere in the bullpen. Jay was sitting at his desk and was watching her as she straightened, moved, rotated and straightened the photo again. He could tell she was nervous but saw a twinkle in her eye as she looked at the photo. A happy spot in her not always happy and easy childhood.

He slowly got up and sat down on the edge of her desk picking up the photo she had so carefully placed. "What the Hell Jay." She said slapping his leg.

"What?" He asked innocently, "You were cute even back then...that is a great picture." He said as he handed it back to her right as Adam and Kevin walked in, followed closely by Alvin and Nadia.

"You gotta picture of her when she was a kid? Let me see that man, we've been trying to find one." Adam said grabbing it out of Erin's hand.

She looked up to Jay and smiled as he stood up, "My partner was pretty damn hot as a teenager...though the choice in jeans is questionable."

"Hey!" She said hitting him in the side, "When do I get to see your preppy high school jock photos?"

"Not a chance Lindsay." He said winking at her.

"Voight your Dad?" Kevin asked as he took the photo from Adam. "I knew you were close but damn...Halstead you are screwed."

"Why am I screwed?" Jay asked smiling at Erin and daring Kevin to say it out loud.

"The Voights...they took me in after my parents...him and Camille saved me." Erin answered with a sad smile.

"Wait so how old were you when you went to live with him?" Adam asked.

"I went to live with his family...not just him...and I was barely in high school."

"His wife divorce him or something? He has never mentioned having a wife...and doesn't wear a ring." Kevin asked.

"Seriously Dude?" Antonio asked as he walked in and saw the photo. "Camille was amazing. She used to be here all the time...I knew her before I ever met Voight...After Platt got shot...Camille helped her get involved in the House since she couldn't go out in the field anymore...she was like all of ours Mom...when we had a rough day or she would hear about something happening she would make sure to find us and remind us to smile and all of the good that we were doing...and working with narcotics...or gang units...the good was not always easy to find."

"You all knew her? What did you say her name was again?" Adam asked.

"Camille. And no not everyone knew her...Antonio, myself and Erin did though." Al answered.

"So what happened to her?" Adam asked suddenly nervous.

"Cancer. She had cancer...and as hard as she fought it..." Erin said sadly.

Hank was standing in the doorway of his office, looking out over his unit...his family. He slowly walked over and stood next to Erin grabbing her shoulder for support. She reached up and held his hand, "Yesterday was the anniversary of her death." He mumbled. "It was also the first time I let myself..." He took a deep shaky breath, "yesterday was...hard."

"We lean on our team...our family." Erin smiled up at her Dad, "When things get rough we lean on each other."

"I haven't been open with you...any of you...for years. After she died...this job was the only thing I had left. I couldn't look at Justin without seeing her...looking at Erin...she has taken care of me all these years...she stepped up for me big time helping me with Justin...and she is only a couple years older than he is...every year I go to visit her grave...usually for a couple hours until Erin drags my ass back here and it is back to business as usual...I don't know why this year was different..."

"You are getting soft in your old age." Erin said smiling at him.

"Anyways...you guys..." He said looking to Antonio and Al, "And you", he said looking to Jay, "You guys helped me to see...I cannot continue to let the cancer win. I told Erin that I wanted everyone to know Camille and what she did for all of us...even you three." He said looking at Adam, Kevin and Nadia.

"Platt always has the cancer fundraisers, and Camille's Bear drive...all the food drive stuff around the holidays...all of that is what Camille started." Antonio told the others. "She told me about Erin...I didn't know it until now...but she told me about how Erin had saved her husband...when she told me I didn't know either of you...she always said the best things can come out of the worst times as long as you have your eyes open to see the greatness."

"She sounds like a cool lady." Kevin said taking another look at the photo.

"She was the best person I have ever met." Hank said with tears in his eyes.

"I will never forget her...she was my Mom...she saved my life...and I didn't make it easy." Erin said looking over at Jay.

"Camille will never be forgotten." Alvin promised patting his friend on the back before walking over to his desk.

"She is a source of HOPE and happiness...I will never forget her." Antonio said sliding back over to his desk.

"Never lose hope." Adam and Kevin both whispered as they walked back to their desks.

"Never lose hope." Jay said smiling at Erin who took her hand from Hank's and put it on Jay's.

"Never lose hope." Erin said smiling.

Hank bent down and kissed Erin on the cheek, "Never lose hope." He clapped his hand on Jay's shoulder as he walked around Erin's desk, "Never lose hope."


End file.
